Self Improvement Week Day One: FASTING

Well, as a rule, I never eat and drink while asleep, so I am 10 hours into my fast (8 hours sleep, 2 hours awake as I type this). My goal is to go liquid only until 10 pm tonight. Why?

Notes on fasting:

1.) I want my body to provide a metaphor for my economic situation.

2.) I want to be like Jesus. Actually his fast was questionable in my book. I mean dude was magic, etc. If he could raise the dead, I think he probably had a way to quell a hunger pang. Also, he was known for food tricks, like bread and fish math, or turning water to a cocktail. So chances are, out there in the wilderness he did a little boulder-into-shrimp poboy, or lizard-into-vodka tonic miracle. Etc. This just seems like common sense to me.

BTW, Jesus, I know this isn’t a contest, but Buddha went 49 days, dude. I’m a bit confused on Allah. Six days? A month? And what’s this about being able to eat once the sun goes down? Seems kind of weak. Who knows? Speaking of questionable fasting, Catholics are seriously lame. They “eat smalls meals” while fasting, and in 1956 the pope wrote a new Paenitemini on fasting, stating, “It should be appropriate to the local economic situation.” Huh? I think this means you fast on peanut butter and jelly, unless you have steak handy.

But I digress.

I’m just trying to feel holy here, day to day.

3.) I just had two cups of coffee and 1/3 of a two liter diet Seven Up. Wow. That went down like 250 manuscript pages. I feel ketosis like a river over my kidney stones, a squeeze across my spleen, some little man sits in the chambers of my heart and whittles a fortress out of a corn kernel I swallowed in March, bones in my ear are crumbling, there goes the islets of Langerhans, those wonderful coves and beaches of cellular sand, and my foot is falling, foot is falling, foot is falling asleep alongside a liver and an onion and a basement pelvis/pillow of seashells.

4.) When the fish aren’t biting and my kid asks, “Dad, why won’t the fish bite?” I say, “They are fasting.”

DSC01121

That’s all for now. I am live blogging! Wow. Holy technological clank. Updates later.

*

For lunch I had FLEX, FOCUS, and CALM.

Now I feel like a squid on a rooftop. I haven’t gotten hungry yet. It is 11.

5.) Russian dude Agasi Vartanyan pulled a 50 day faster, drinking only water. This was extra lame since he watched TV all day during the fast. Not very spiritual, dude. But his karma was instant. The moment he left his plastic cube alongside the side of a river (he gets points for this locale, though he ripped the box idea from his hated rival, David “lame-ass” Blaine), nobody cared, period. Total anticlimactic.

“I feel offended because my efforts did not attract much attention,” the 46-year-old Vartanyan says.

Dude, the St. Petersburg Times covered it. What the hell you want?

6.) “If a man has nothing to eat, fasting is the most intelligent thing he can do.”

Herman Hesse

lex

*

ASIDE: I have a new CONTRIBUTOR SPOTLIGHT post on Hayden’s Ferry Review. If you ever wondered the correct mood for writing flash, maybe this will help you. I recall the very day I wrote a flash fiction.

(I am getting hungry. I can feel my heart humming. About to go play disc golf.)

*

7:02:48 pm. FUCK. Yes, I was out fishing and I ate a sleeve of Planters HEAT peanuts.

FAIL.

(Damn. I made it 76% of fast…about.)

Well, it is better to have fasted and lost than to have never fasted at all. (right)

It is so hard to be on a river with the sun shimmering off eddies and curls and then not eat hot peanuts right there in your tackle box…

FAIL.

Fasting is hard I suppose.

BLAH BLAH BLAH

ETC.

I hope. I do hope. Sometimes.

OK. Well, tomorrow, we EXERCISE HARD.

S

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7 responses to “Self Improvement Week Day One: FASTING

  1. You make being an ascetic fun again!

    Yesterday I had for food: 1/2 gallon of OJ. But that’s just on account of laziness, and then at 9pm I actually ate two hot dogs and a bag of chips.

    Good luck!

  2. Shit. I already downed two pieces of beer-bread toast, a nectarine, and several Madelines. (No I haven’t read proust yet; he’s on my list).

    All liquid tomorrow. Is tequila okay?

  3. Perhaps Friday should be not drinking for the day. Or is that just crazy talk?

    Incidentally you should have gone with Guinness. That’s what the monks do. And if monks do it, so should you. I have a very painful itch.

    Also if you haven’t grokked it yet:

  4. I don’t think you can handle a “no drinking” Friday

  5. Wow, D. Does this mean no more “D does Mojito Fri night parties??”

    Your friends will be angry!!

    Rock it, D!

  6. ??? you make no sense

  7. Pingback: Self Improvement Week Day Three, RANDOM ACTS KINDNESS. « Sean Blog: It All Relates 2 Writing

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