Self Improvement Week, Day Two: EXERCISE

Wake up, people! We will burn calories like pitchforks and pigeons today!

Off to the park. More details later.

*

I woke up and ran to the geographical center of my county. Once I got there I didn’t know how to feel. What are you supposed to feel at the geographic center of a county.

I ran down this long perfectly paved trail. It is called a Greenway. This used to be a railroad track. If I were running right here just a few years ago I would have been flattened by a train about right now. I can feel people and chickens and giant blocks of ice like ghosts through my body.

green

It has very impressive mile/half mile markers carved into stone. Here is mile 105.5. I keep thinking about the day some rock company was approached by our local government and asked if they could supply several hundred boulders at super high government prices.

Government dude, arms outstretched: “We need some boulders about ye big.”

Boulder Salesman guy: “How many?”

“Several hundred boulders. There is no need to haggle. This is on the tax payer’s dime. Any boulders left over I will take home and put in front of my mailbox for landscaping effect and curb appeal, like that. If you do cut me a deal, though, I will back a truck up to your house full of extra mailboxes we have leftover from the Kirby Project and they are your, shhhhh, tell no one. Do you deer hunt? I do. Deer are awesome.”

Boulder Salesman: (Inside his head: FUCK!): “Um, OK. Let’s go inside and have you not sign somethun.”

You know someone yelped with glee that day. You know the rock company went out for beers that night. I bet some woman named Sheila-who-works-over-in-gravel drank too many Miller Lites and went home with married Stan from Pebble Research Division that evening and the photos from the cellphone are still sitting there on the cellphone like an un-shot arrow.

marker 2

I arrived at the geographical center of the county. I stood for a while hoping to feel like an interesting person, or a puzzled critic. My spleen did the spleen thing. I did see a rabbit but it didn’t see me seeing it so did it really happen? I don’t know. Don’t try to eat the corn off the side of the trail. It is corn for gasoline and doesn’t even taste like corn.

center

Somebody left their long sleeve button down on a rail fence. People do the damndest things, but listen: You can not predict the human being.

shirt

It looked like a J C Penny shirt to me. Like maybe one you would tuck in and wear to a BBQ behind the church, or maybe to a store to buy a big-ass bag of dog food. I don’t know. I wanted to meet whomever left this shirt here and maybe fall in love and move to Kansas.

I waited and nothing happened because nothing ever happens. So.

I got into my Subaru and drove off to the park to find the Life Trail machines. After all, it is exercise day, people.

DSC01131

The park was full of kids practicing football. Their coaches were screaming and clapping hands and very inspirational. One of them yelled out, EVERY SINGLE DAY, EVERY SINGLE MOMENT OF YOUR LIFE GIVE YOUR BEST FREAKING EFFORT, YOUR VERY BEST, DO YOU HEAR ME, DO YOU HEAR ME, EVERY SINGLE SECOND LIVE LIKE IT IS YOUR LAST SECOND ON THIS GOD GIVEN EARTH AND DON’T COME WHINING ASS TO ME WHEN YOU AREN’T PLAYING WHEN SOMEONE ELSE IS PLAYING AHEAD OF YOU BECAUSE DID YOU GIVE YOUR VERY BEST EVERY SECOND, DID YOU GIVE EVERY BIT OF YOUR BLOOD AND BONE AND GRISTLE THAT CONNECTS THE BONES TO THE BLOOD AND ARE YOU GOING TO GIVE ME EVERY SINGLE EFFORT IN YOUR HEARTS TODAY AND EVERYDAY LIVING THIS LIFE LIKE YOU ARE GOING TO DIE YOU ARE GOING TO DIE AND DIE AND DIE AND DIE AND DIE AND DIE!!!!!!!!!!!

The kids yelled out, “Yes sir!” They were about six or seven years old.

I did one of every Life Trail machine. They were incredibly lame and the bicycle seats gave me a wet ass because it was raining last night. So then I just ran around the park and along the river. I saw a stork eating a banana peel and then a frog, Mountain Dew can, blue COLTS Nerf football caught in a huge tangle of fishing line. The frog was dead. The water gurgled by like water.

I wanted to get a photo of me doing the machines but the guy I asked caught me in a lie so wouldn’t take the photo.

Guy walks by with a really stupid looking dalmatian on a leash.

I said, “Hey, will you take my picture. I lost a bet and now I have to exercise all day. I have to prove I was doing these machines.”

(Note: I’m not sure why I made up a lie but I felt creepy just asking some guy to take my photo, so I made up this bet idea. I’m sorry. It’s just what I did.)

The guy goes, “What bet?”

“What?”

“What-did-you-bet?”

(I hadn’t thought this far. I say, “Football.”)

He says, “There isn’t any football right now.” He gives me this look like maybe I dropped a bag of flaming groceries into his swimming pool. Then he just walks off.

It rains like you wouldn’t believe. White sheets of rain. Cows of rain. I ran to my car.

More updates later. I am going to the treadmill.

*

Just did some YASSO 800s. Whew. It went like this:

3 min at 6:00 mile pace.                     3 min at 6:00 mile pace.

3 min at 6:00 mile pace.                     3 min at 6:00 mile pace.

3 min at 5:56 mile pace.                     3 min at 5:56 mile pace.

My treadmill room is a sauna.

I sweat like hoses, rakes, and nails.

*

I just did 200 crunches, regular and oblique. I am getting tired now. I am about to make nachos.

S

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4 responses to “Self Improvement Week, Day Two: EXERCISE

  1. I have tried the liquid thing a lot. When I was working for PwC I did a lot of slim fast shakes because public accounting depressed me too much to want food. It was not fun. I think I would die on nutrisoda. Even the shakes gave me a hunger headache.

    My friends want to run a 5K so I am trying to train up for this beginner race. The interwebnet says I should get the right kind of running shoes for my kind of running. I have no idea what the hell it is talking about.

  2. I felt severe and way-backlogged deja vu when I read this:

    ‘I arrived at the geographical center of the county. I stood for a while hoping to feel like an interesting person, or a puzzled critic. My spleen did the spleen thing. ‘

    So, umm, yes. Yeah. Cosmic time-warp synchronicity. You’re doing something right.

    Right?

  3. Pingback: Post 1. Where it all begins - Valerie Hope

  4. I hate it when people whine ass.

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